YOUR WORST FEARS ARE COMING TRUE. YOUR CHILD TELLS YOU THEY HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY OR PHYSICALLY ABUSED.

I have been asked this question many times. I am not a professional psychologist but I do know how I felt when I finally told my Mom about what was happening to me. The following points are guidelines. Use compassion and common sense as every situation is different.

• Be Thankful. It is rare for children to confide to anyone about being abused. The fear tactics the abuser uses is so strong, most children will never tell. Be thankful they told and be thankful they are still alive.
  

• Keep Calm. Even though you are boiling mad, you must remain calm so the child does not think your anger is directed at them. You must also reassure the child something will be done.
  

• Comfort. Now more than ever the child needs to be reassured that what happened was not their fault. In no way should they feel like they are to blame. Most times the abuser has been telling them the family will be broken up if they tell and it will be their fault. (That's what my father told me repeatedly.) But you must convince them it was the abuser who is wrong.
  

• Do Not Confront the Abuser. You must contact the police and let them handle it. A fight in front of the child will serve no purpose. Most communities now have advocacy centers that are there to help children cope with this type of crime. 
  

• Get Professional Help. Any type of counseling at this stage is very important. Almost every community has public health centers where everyone, regardless of income level, can get professional help. Start this immediately. Do not wait!
  

• Respect. Do not talk about what happened in front of other people. The child is going through enough already. The last thing they need is for others to be discussing them. Respect their right to privacy.

There are always hotlines available to call for more information. RAINN maintains a toll-free line that will automatically connect you with a crisis line nearest you. Call them at: 1-800-656-4673

I know that when I first told my Mom about the abuse, she said we would never discuss it again. I was devastated. I thought I was the one that was not normal for thinking this was wrong. I did not know she was risking her life to get us out. To this day, I never understood why she did not tell me she was going for help. Do not make the same mistake with your child. Let them know what you are doing to help them. Your child will be going through many different emotions. They can feel:

• FEAR - Of course fear of the person doing the abuse but also fear of being taken away. Or fear of causing trouble for the family which will lead to more trouble for them.
  

• GUILT - The feeling of guilt comes in many forms. It could be guilt for not telling sooner. Guilt for telling at all and causing trouble. Guilt for thinking they caused the abuse in some manner. Or even guilt for believing they might have "consented" to the abuse. 
  

• CONFUSION - It is very difficult for a child to see a loved one, even one who was abusing them, taken away. 
  

• ANGER - At the abuser or even at themselves. That is why so many people that were abused try to hurt themselves or even commit suicide. 

As you can see, a child who confides in you needs your love and understanding. Each situation is unique but the main point is always the same. GET HELP. My life was never the same after I told but at least I was not being sexually and physically abused any more. That was the most important thing to me.

And always remember:

INCEST, SEXUAL ABUSE OR PHYSICAL ABUSE IS NEVER THE CHILD'S FAULT!